Love This Pain
by KristosLilly
Summary: Lucy and Kevin: trying to make it through the pain.
1. Ache

**Love This Pain**

 _ ****Lucy and Kevin, A to Z, picking up the morning after Lucy miscarried their baby on Port Charles (in July 1997). This first scene is sort of like what played out on the show but with my own twist. I hope you like this though it will be angsty at first.****_

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 **A - Ache**

His back ached from sitting upright in that stiff chair all night. His head ached from too many thoughts and zero sleep. His eyes burned, though he told himself it was because he couldn't bear to look away from Lucy for a second, not because of the tears he was struggling to hold back. He ached… _everywhere._ In his chest, most of all. He knew his heart was just an organ pumping life-giving blood throughout his body, but it still hurt. God, did it ever hurt. He knew though that he had to be strong. Right now, he had to be strong for Lucy. If he fell apart, she would too, and he'd never forgive himself if she broke into a million pieces. Hell, he was already blaming himself for not being there when the contractions first started; for not being around to recognize the symptoms she was having and to get her to the hospital while something could possibly still have been done to save their baby… Their sweet little baby…How he had wanted that baby. How he had wanted that baby _with_ Lucy…

He sighed as he watched Lucy slowly begin to rouse in her hospital bed. She rolled over slowly and peered up at him. "Hey, Doc," she greeted him in the softest tone of voice he had ever heard her use before. He practically had to strain his ears to hear her.

"Hey, Lucy," he returned, standing despite the crick running the length of his back, and moving over to her. He slowly eased onto the hard mattress beside her, reaching for her hand. "I'm glad you got some sleep finally."

"I wasn't sleeping just now," Lucy said. "I was trying so desperately not to wake up because I was having this wonderful dream and I wanted to hold on to it so tightly. I mean -" She broke off. "Nevermind."

"No, not never mind. Tell me what's on your mind. You know us shrinks _live_ to analyze dreams."

Her eyes filled with tears and one slipped down her cheek. "No, it's okay. It's nothing," she said, turning slightly away from him so that he couldn't see more tears roll down her face. Her shoulders heaved.

"Lucy, come on. Talk to me here."

Lucy nodded ever so slowly. "Alright… I just dreamt it was morning and we were about to leave the hospital together … Which is true … But in the dream, I was holding this tiny little baby boy all wrapped up in a soft, white blanket. He was looking up at me with eyes … full of trust, Kevin. Full of trust ... but I failed him in every way, didn't I? I want my baby. I want my baby!"

He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the back of it. "This isn't your fault, sweetheart. It never will be your fault." He wanted to say the right thing to make it all better, to make it all hurt less, but in that moment, he was at a complete loss.

He suddenly remembered the ring in his pocket; how she had asked him to hold it for her the night before so she would have something to look forward to when she came back from that cold, sterile room where she had that awful procedure. A lump welled up in his throat thinking of the pain she had endured, but he forced it down as he pulled the diamond from his pocket.

"Hey, I've got something for you," he said. He held out the ring in his palm and she looked at it for a long moment. He leaned forward. "Lucy Coe, will you marry me?" He said quietly.

The tiniest of smiles twitched her lips but failed to reach those gorgeous eyes of hers. "You already asked me to marry you awhile ago," she pointed out. A tear rolled down her cheek. "But, yes, I'll say it again. Yes, I'll marry you." She wiggled her fingers and he offered her what he hoped was an encouraging smile as he slid the band onto her hand. He kissed each of her fingertips, one by one.

"I love you, Lucy. Remember what I said last night, okay? If you're scared, or confused or angry or … anything, remember that. Please know that I'm here for you."

"I know, Doc, I know. And I love you so much too." She leaned back against her pillows, hands now pressed over her flat belly where the baby was supposed to still be growing. "I wanted that baby so much. I will always want that baby. You know this isn't my first time at the rodeo, Kevin. I told you I had lost two babies before. Somehow, I thought it would be old hat; or you know, at least prepare me for this moment. I thought it would hurt a little less because I'd been through it before, but it doesn't hurt less. Oh Doc, it hurts _so much worse._ Because I wanted to give you this baby more than I wanted my next breath and now I can't… Now I can't! And I look into your eyes and they're so sad. I can see you're trying not to show you're in pain, but you're broken up about this too, and I feel … like I failed you. Oh, Kevin, I failed you!" Sobs burbled up on her lips and escaped in breathless gasps as he pulled her against his body, as tightly as he dared.

He ran his fingers gently through her hair. "You didn't fail me, Lucy. You never could. Ever, I mean that." He rocked her softly against his body as she cried and he willed back tears of his own.

 **TO BE CONTINUED.**


	2. Broken

**B - Broken**

Lucy slowly got dressed as Kevin sat on the edge of the bed, his head hanging low. He was trying so hard to be strong for her - _bless him_ \- but she knew that he was hurting too. Still, he was holding it together and she wanted to be as strong as he was. She was trying, but she would have to try a lot harder. She would make herself be strong, somehow, someway.

She slipped on one shoe and knotted the strap before going for the other one tucked under the bed. She had never expected this. She had never been prepared for this moment. She was still wearing her clothes from the day before - the low-cut top, the short, tight skirt, her standard getup that seemed so out of place right now. It wasn't the right attire for this situation, but then what was? Funeral mourning wear? Was it right, was it okay, to be this sad over a baby she had never even laid eyes on?

"Let me get that," Kevin said, reaching for her stiletto at the same time that she did.

She immediately shook her head. "No, it's okay. I'm fine. It's almost like … nothing ever happened," she said. Her voice was low, somber, as she slid on her high heel. She was trying to wrap her mind around what had happened but it was almost impossible. All she wanted to do was turn off the pain, that ache, that had settled somewhere right between her heart and her belly where her and Kevin's baby should still be growing.

 _Be strong, Lucy, be strong,_ she reminded herself, though her eyes stung.

Kevin sat beside her and looked at her, a gentle expression on his handsome face. "Lucy, something _did_ happen," he said quietly. "Something terrible happened."

She shifted anxiously on the bed. "I know that, Kevin. I know."

"I'm going to put on my Dr. Collins' hat here for a minute, if you'll humor me."

Lucy reached out to caress his cheek. "I _love_ Dr. Collins."

"Don't expect the pain to just go away. I've talked to a lot of women who have had miscarriages; who tried to convince themselves their miscarriages were for the best because they felt uncomfortable mourning a child that they never knew. So they tried to suffocate their feelings, to push them down... acting like they didn't exist."

"I would never - never do that."

"Good, because you can't get rid of the pain by pretending you didn't lose something. You have to deal with it now or it will come back to haunt you later." He took her hand in his. "Now tell me how you're doing... Really."

"I - I don't know," Lucy said. "I just keep trying to figure out how this happened. I thought I was doing everything right…"

"You were, Lucy. You did," Kevin said. "This isn't your fault." He leaned over to give her a gentle hug.

 _If it wasn't her fault, why did she feel like it was?_

"You can squeeze me tighter," Lucy said. "I swear … I swear I won't break. I promise I won't."

"Well, if you need to…"

"I don't need to fall apart. I'm going to be okay," Lucy said, even though she wasn't sure that she believed it.

"Well, if you're ever not feeling okay… Anytime … I want you to come to me immediately, okay?" Kevin whispered into her hair.

She nodded. Her eyes still stung but the tears wouldn't come. "Okay," she agreed. She slowly disentangled from his embrace. "Do you think we can get out of here now? I really want out of here."

"I'll go check on the status of your discharge papers," Kevin said. "Will you-"

"I'll be fine while you're gone," Lucy filled in for him. "Please don't worry about me."

"I can't help it," Kevin said. He slowly rose off the bed. He lightly touched her shoulder. "I'll be right back."

"Alright." Lucy watched him go, watched the door slip closed and she felt the strongest urge to call him back. To tell him that she did need to be held after all. But she knew he needed her to be strong for him, no matter what he said to the contrary. He had held her together last night; she could hold herself together now, for his sake.

There was a light rapping on the door about three seconds later. "Come in," she called in a soft voice.

Felicia poked her head in the door. "Hey, Lucy," she said. She offered her a soft smile. "Are you up for a visitor?"

"Sure, of course. But how did you-" Lucy shook her head. "Nevermind. The grapevine in Port Charles continues to be on hyper-drive, huh?"

Felicia walked into the room. "Yes, unfortunately... But I am glad I heard so that I can be here with you right now… If there's anything you need-"

"I do need something," Lucy admitted. "I need you to tell me not to cry. Kevin ... Doc says it's okay to fall apart, but I don't want to. I can't. If I let myself go to that - that place, I'm not ever coming back. I feel like I'll be lost forever."

"Oh, Lucy," Felicia said. She slid onto the bed and slipped her arms around Lucy. "Listen to Kevin's advice. He's a wise man."

"The very wisest," Lucy said. "But I don't need to fall apart. I can't. Don't let me. Please don't let me," she cried and felt the tears start to fall. "Oh will you just look at that?" She swiped at her face angrily, dashing at the tears that wouldn't stop coming.

Felicia opened her purse and extracted a packet of Kleenex, offering it to her best friend. "You came prepared," Lucy said.

"I am sorry for your loss, Lucy. Just know I'll be here for you if you need me to be. Everyone who loves you will be. We all want you to lean on us."

"No, it's okay. I just need … To cry one more time. Just one more time and I promise I will be strong. I will be brave again."

A sob burbled up on her lips and escaped as she dropped her head on Felicia's shoulder and cried. Her heart was breaking. No, it was already broken.


	3. Cry

_**Thank you for the reviews thus far. They are very appreciated!**_

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 **C - Cry**

Lucy's head rested on Felicia's shoulder. They had long since faded into a companionable silence. They were very dear friends and didn't need to fill every second with words to be able to understand the other.

A knock suddenly sounded at the door, breaking through the quiet in the room. Lucy jumped in spite of herself, immediately swiping a hand across her wet face. "If that's Kevin, I don't want him to see me like this," Lucy said. "I don't want anyone to see me like this."

Felicia gently squeezed her friend's arm. "Lucy, they'll understand. You've been through hell and everyone just wants to be there for you. Remember, Kevin said he didn't want you to grieve alone."

"I know. But right now, I can't stand for the whole world to see me like this, looking like this …. Well, this huge, open gaping sore."

"Lucy-"

Another knock sounded at the door, interrupting Felicia's words. "Lucy, are you in there? It's Serena," a little voice came from the other side.

Lucy looked at Felicia in a panic. "Oh I can't let that little sweetpea see me looking like a wreck. It'll scare her."

Felicia seemed to comprehend Lucy's urgency now and opened her handbag. She located a packet of tissues and a tube of lipgloss. As she dabbed away Lucy's tears and helped her apply a thin sheen of rouge, Serena called again. _"_ _Lucy?"_

"Coming, sweetheart!" Lucy said. She looked at Felicia. "Do I still look like a mess?"

"No, you look fine. Although I don't think you should have to put on a face for anyone."

"For Serena, I do. She's so young. I don't want to upset her. She's been through too much already." Lucy stood on impossibly wobbly legs and teetered towards the door. She took a long, deep breath before pulling open the door and offering Serena her best attempt at a smile.

Serena stood there, clutching a huge bouquet of flowers in one arm and a paper sack in the other. "Hey, Lucy," Serena said.

"Hi, there," Lucy replied. "Are those for me?"

"Yep. The flowers are from Daddy and this -" she held up the bag - "Is from me."

"Oh how incredibly sweet," Lucy said, genuinely touched. "Why don't you come inside and meet my best friend in the whole wide world, Felicia Jones?"

"Okay," Serena said agreeably. She offered Lucy the flowers and Lucy accepted them gratefully, for a moment burying her nose in the soft petals and inhaling the fragrant scent. She set the bouquet on the bed and beckoned Serena over to Felicia.

"Hello there, Serena," Felicia said, offering Serena her hand.

"Hello," Serena said, shaking Felicia's outstretched hand vigorously with her free one.

Felicia smiled. "Gee, you've grown up fast. I can remember when you were just a little baby resting in Lucy's arms -" She broke off when she saw Lucy's expression. "Anyway, you look so much like your dad."

"Yeah, but he says I'm cuter," Serena said with a little giggle.

"That you are," Felicia agreed. "Look, I think I'm going to go and let you and Lucy have some time to catch up." She moved to Lucy and offered her a gentle hug. "You call me if you need anything. Anything at all."

"Okay."

"Promise me."

"I promise," Lucy said. She hugged Felicia in return and then waved as Felicia disappeared out the door.

Lucy and Serena moved to sit on the bed side by side. "Thanks for coming to visit me. Seeing your cute little smile is such good medicine." Serena smiled wider. "Anyway, what's in the bag?" Lucy asked, trying to sound excited about the possibilities.

Serena held the bag out to Lucy. "See for yourself."

Lucy took the bag, her eyes going wide when she saw what was inside. She pulled it out. "Oh, Serena, this is your dirty kitty," she said, examining the plush cat that had seen much better days. It had once been snow white but was now dusted with gray splotches. It was also missing patches of fur and a few plastic whiskers.

"I want you to have it," Serena said. "For keeps."

"Oh no, I can't take this. You've had it since you were a baby and it makes you so happy."

"I know it does, but right now you need it more than I do." Lucy clutched the toy to her chest. It was fur was coarse in some places but she hardly noticed. "When you get sad all you need to do is pick the kitty up and hold it real tight and you will be cheered up right away."

"Serena, are you sure you really want to give me this?"

Serena nodded. "Uh huh. It always cheered me up when I was sad. Daddy says the person who gave it to me loved me very much and wanted me to be a happy little girl."

A lump rose up in Lucy's throat. She had given the kitty to Serena after she was born. "You're right, Serena, the person who gave you that loved you more than the stars and the moon." She leaned in and gave Serena a soft hug just as the door opened and Kevin appeared with Scott and Dr. Jake Marshak. Kevin was pushing a wheelchair and trying his best to smile encouragingly.

"Your chariot awaits," Kevin said.

Dr. Marshak moved to Lucy and offered her the discharge papers. "Just sign on the dotted line and you can go."

Lucy took the pen from his hand and scrawled her name. Jake looked between her and Kevin. "Can I say something?"

"What is it, Jake?" Kevin asked, almost warily, Lucy thought.

"You know, to me, a miscarriage was just another medical thing … until last night… When I saw you two together… Well, I just hope when my fiancee and I go through our own hard times that we can help each other out and be as connected as the two of you are."

Lucy didn't know how to reply. She just set the pen down and looked over at Kevin, offering him a grateful look. Kevin really was her champion, her rock. She vowed never to take his love; or his stalwart constancy, for granted.

Still clutching the dirty kitty in her arms, Lucy started to stand. Kevin and Scott immediately moved towards her but she shook her head. "I can do it," she said quietly.

"Lucy, can I push your wheelchair?" Serena asked.

"Sure, sweetpea, I'd like that," Lucy said. She squeezed the cat to her as she settled into the wheelchair. Kevin picked up the bouquet of flowers for her and followed after the others. Lucy couldn't wait to get the hell out of here.

Lucy looked up at Scott as Serena pushed her down the long stretch of hallway. "Thank you for the lovely flowers," she said. "And for bringing Serena to see me. It means a lot."

Scott stuffed his hand in the pockets of his denim jeans. "Yeah, of course."

"Which way are we going?" Serena asked.

"Straight ahead to the elevators," Kevin answered.

They reached the bank of elevators and hit the button to go down. In less than a minute the double doors had sluiced open and Lucy sunk down in her chair when she spotted a woman holding a pink-faced little infant in her arms, staring at the baby adoringly as she sat in her own wheelchair.

"Your baby is beautiful," Lucy said as an intern rolled the woman and newborn past Lucy and her little group.

The woman glanced at Lucy, murmuring a happy "thank you!" Lucy clutched the dirty kitty tighter to her. Kevin tried to catch her eye but she couldn't bear to return his look. Right then it was all she could do not to burst into hysterical sobs all over again.


End file.
